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  • rememberingnichola

The Grief and Guilt I Carry

Everyday is a struggle that starts from the time I open my eyes until my I am able to cry myself to sleep at night, and then sometimes the grief haunts my dreams. Grieving drains the life out of you. You can see it in the puffy dark circles under the eyes or in general lack of presence of that person in the room. You feel isolated.

As the holiday season begins I am reminded of the fact that you are no longer here, but just this time last year we enjoyed these holidays together, and I was holding you in my arms instead of just in my heart. As the first holiday is here the reality of the situation hits me hard. As a mother I carry guilt that I didn’t protect him the best I could or he would be here now. At times I find myself in tears and apologizing repeatedly to Nicholas for not keeping him safe. He deserved better, he was innocent, precious, and perfect. He was a happy healthy baby and I don’t know that I will ever understand why he was taken from us.

I wish it was possible to skip this holiday season because then I wouldn’t be able to make any new memories and just hold onto the ones I made last year. Not having him here makes celebrating these holidays almost unbearable, but I have to do my best to be present for my 3 year old daughter and my family who expects to celebrate. With the Holidays comes a new set of emotions that no one can understand but without him I don’t know that I can or even want to be present. It’s hard enough just living through each day and putting on a mask to make it through the day. A mask society forces you to put on because no matter how much pain you are experiencing it isn’t acceptable to have a breakdown in public. It makes people uncomfortable and a lot of people have no clue what grief is. Everyone just assumes you are ok but no ever truly ask, kind of like why people don’t say their name because they are afraid. It’s just the sad reality of life.

The truth is, as we approached Halloween and started making plans, that’s when everything hit me. The mask I had put up no longer existed, and I was no longer able to control my feelings. When you think you are doing well, you actually aren't. You don’t realize until something triggers you.

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I gave birth to my second baby, first son, March 21, 1986. He was 11lbs 24" long and beautiful. I didn't get to keep him. I had him at home with a doctor I thought I trusted since he delivered my firstborn daughter at home. He failed horribly with my Shane Ryan. I needed him to get me to the hospital for a C-section but he said to not worry. He was over confident and tragically negligent. The Dr instructed my husband to push on me while he was trying to hold my cervix open. Shane's liver ruptured and had a cerebral hematoma. His head looked like there had been a rubber band around it. It took th…


Im so sorry for your loss of your beautiful boy Shane!



Dear Nicholas's Mama,

You're right when you say that people don't understand your grief, but you don't have to put on that mask. Say his name to anyone and everyone. Speak about him like he's simply in the next room. People will be uncomfortable, but never as uncomfortable as you are without him.

My daughter, Lexi, was in a car accident when she was 17. I know that it doesn't feel the same as losing your sweet baby, because i got more time with her. I felt the same when I first lost her. But, i slowly came to realize that it doesn't matter how many years, months, minutes you get with your children, it's never enough. S…

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