The Grief and Guilt I Carry
Everyday is a struggle that starts from the time I open my eyes until my I am able to cry myself to sleep at night, and then sometimes the grief haunts my dreams. Grieving drains the life out of you. You can see it in the puffy dark circles under the eyes or in general lack of presence of that person in the room. You feel isolated.
As the holiday season begins I am reminded of the fact that you are no longer here, but just this time last year we enjoyed these holidays together, and I was holding you in my arms instead of just in my heart. As the first holiday is here the reality of the situation hits me hard. As a mother I carry guilt that I didn’t protect him the best I could or he would be here now. At times I find myself in tears and apologizing repeatedly to Nicholas for not keeping him safe. He deserved better, he was innocent, precious, and perfect. He was a happy healthy baby and I don’t know that I will ever understand why he was taken from us.
I wish it was possible to skip this holiday season because then I wouldn’t be able to make any new memories and just hold onto the ones I made last year. Not having him here makes celebrating these holidays almost unbearable, but I have to do my best to be present for my 3 year old daughter and my family who expects to celebrate. With the Holidays comes a new set of emotions that no one can understand but without him I don’t know that I can or even want to be present. It’s hard enough just living through each day and putting on a mask to make it through the day. A mask society forces you to put on because no matter how much pain you are experiencing it isn’t acceptable to have a breakdown in public. It makes people uncomfortable and a lot of people have no clue what grief is. Everyone just assumes you are ok but no ever truly ask, kind of like why people don’t say their name because they are afraid. It’s just the sad reality of life.
The truth is, as we approached Halloween and started making plans, that’s when everything hit me. The mask I had put up no longer existed, and I was no longer able to control my feelings. When you think you are doing well, you actually aren't. You don’t realize until something triggers you.