The Grief and Guilt I Carry
Infant loss and my path to our non-profit
My son, Nicholas Miles, was born on August 28th, 2020 at 7:36 a.m. He was 7lbs 13oz. Nicholas was a beautiful and healthy baby boy. He was born one day before his older sister Nora’s 2nd birthday. We took him home the following day, and she instantly fell in love with him.
Nicholas was colicky for the first few months due to reflux. He cried a lot, but we did our best to soothe him. Around four months Nicholas started crying less and smiling more, even laughing at times. By five months old, he had become a strong and happy baby. He even kicked a cold in three days, when it took his sister more than a week to recover. To say the least, life was perfect. We had two healthy beautiful children, along with our dog Goose and cat Louie. Our life was complete.
On February 9th at 12:47 p.m., I received a call that would change my life forever. Our son had been taken to the hospital from his in-home daycare that he attended with his sister. Nicholas did not wake up from his nap, and he was no longer breathing. I grabbed my husband and went straight to the hospital. We prayed that this was only a bad dream. We wanted him to be okay.
At the hospital, I was confined to a room. The nurses and doctors wouldn't tell me anything except that they were working on him. I begged the doctor to allow me back. I told him that my son needed me. As a mother, you want to believe that you can do anything to protect your children, even will them to breathe again.
When we were finally allowed into the room, we saw that the doctors and nurses were doing their best to save his life; but, I knew Nicholas was already gone. I begged the Lord to bring my son back to me. We didn't know how long he had been without oxygen. They tried to get a pulse, but still nothing.
It was time for us to face the reality that our son Nicholas wasn’t coming back to us.
That day was the worst day of my life. My son was gone. No one could tell me why. It was my worst nightmare. I had to say goodbye to my beautiful baby boy.
And while going through this unimaginable grief, I had to deal with the coroner's office, and I had to choose a funeral home to make arrangements for Nicholas.
All I wanted to do was hold my baby and not let go. That wasn't my reality anymore; and, unfortunately we were on a time limit to make decisions. I had to fight for my final moments with him because, as part of protocol, he was transported to the Arkansas State Crime Lab.
No family should have to navigate this fallout, especially after losing a child. I don't have answers as to what happened to my son. But, I know that I want to use my experience to help others. We are blessed that we had family members, friends and coworkers to support us. They were our pillars of strength. And as we move forward, we want to provide that unwavering support and guidance to others.